A Pilgrim's Journal

So. Honesty, eh?

I'm sure there are non-Christians who look at some Christians and wonder: are they really that happy, or are they faking it? I'm fairly sure, because I'm a Christian, and I wonder that myself.

There are, of course, ups and downs in life, and Christians are not exempt from that. For various reasons. Sometimes circumstances just seem to whack you over the head. Sometimes it is our own foolishness that gets us in trouble.

So I need to be honest as well. I don't want to be someone who fakes it. I don't want to be someone who makes it look like the Christian life is all roses and honeydew. We may be on our way to the promised land, but there's often a lot of desert along the way.

My own personal desert these days is loneliness. I strongly suspect that it's my own fault to a large degree. Actually, it is definitely my fault, because I don't work hard enough at life and I don't work hard enough at finding good friends.

I'm often very good at not doing something, even if I really want to. I can be an unmovable object at times, and sometimes that personality trait comes in handy. But I'm not very good at the "unstoppable force" side of things. Actually doing something, even when I know I should, seems to require a personal nuclear reaction to overcome that initial inertia.

So there are many factors in my life, stemming from that inertia, which create a recipe for being alone. And that recipe, when fully cooked, lands me in a dish of solitude that I cannot escape from when it finally becomes too much for me to handle.

This is the way of the fool.

I was recently reading Proverbs 26, and the interesting thing is that there are a group of verses at the beginning, that really give the fool a going-over. It talks about a whip for the back of the fool. It talks about how to handle a fool, and how to speak to him, or not speak to him. It tells how stupid it is to trust a fool, or to listen to a fool. It tells how fruitless it is to honour a fool.

And then it slowly turns the discussion to someone wise in his own eyes.

	Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? there is more hope
	of a fool than of him.
	   Proverbs 26:12

Whoa! Now there's a whole new level of folly! Suddenly the fool, who has been taking a verbal beating for his folly, doesn't look so bad. Who could this new hopeless man be?

The chapter then launches into a new group of proverbs, talking about the lazy, slothful man. Uh-oh...

	13 The slothful man saith, There is a lion in the way;
	a lion is in the streets.

Apparently, he makes excuses.

	14 As the door turneth upon his hinges, so doth the slothful
	upon his bed.

I can hear the squeaking.

	15 The slothful hideth his hand in his bosom; it grieveth him
	to bring it again to his mouth.
 
	NIV says:
	15 The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he is too lazy
	to bring it back to his mouth.

Even feeding himself is a burden.

	16 The sluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men
	that can render a reason.

There it is! The truth is revealed! Even a fool is better off than a lazy man.

To keep with the theme of honesty: I am that lazy man.

So it should come as no surprise to me that I am lonely. It should come as no surprise to me that I am in a desert of my own making. And it should come as no surprise to me that other people, regardless of their beliefs or values, are happier than I am.

The only faking that is obvious to me would be if I were to pretend to everyone that I am happy. Some days I am, certainly, but I am not all the time. And most often, those days that I am feeling the lowest are because of me. I am merely reaping my own reward.

	Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth,
	that shall he also reap.
 
	For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption;
	but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life
	everlasting.
 
	   Galatians 6:7-8

So why did I write this? It is not too flattering to bare my faults for all the world to see. But I'm slowly, ever so slowly, learning that faking it doesn't help anybody. It certainly doesn't help me, because not only do I have to invent something fake to project to the world, a fake life does not help me deal with my own problems.

Faking doesn't help anyone else either. How often have you been inspired by someone who seems to have everything together, and yet the "how to" part is missing? How do you get there from here? You only get that truth with honesty.

And finally, fake is repulsive, while honesty is attractive. I can't count the number of times I've found honesty in others to be pleasant, regardless of the truth that they are revealing about themselves. The real and the unguarded and the vulnerable is what disarms people. It is what defuses a tense situation. It is what adds humour to an awkward moment.

Honesty is freedom. You only have to worry about one instance of yourself, not many copies floating around the world that need management. And really, when it comes to honesty, others usually already know my faults. At times, I'm the last to know.

Fake comes from fear, and it usually happens without my conscious knowledge. It is way too easy to let fear twist me into a distorted little knot. Once I realize what has happened, a little honesty, even if it is just in my own journal that nobody reads, has an explosive liberating effect.

Honesty is the best policy.